Upper Crust

Author, Author!

Announcing the Winners!

After careful consideration, our panel of bewigged magistrates has reached a decision on the merits of the numerous entries to the Author, Author! contest. Lord Bendover has graced us with the following comments:

Whilst we do not wish to be didactic or pedantic, we feel that our selections come closest to embodying the fine songwriting seen in our own work. They are succinct and to the point, and they reek of a certain vulgar and sanguine disposition.

Our choices remind us of our own first steps in the direction of roque and roll as we set off in pursuit of the heights we have now ascended, and from this loftier perspective we are able to confer these honors upon those who would dare submit to our stringent review.

Though it is common for others in our position to lament the fact that there can be but one winner, we needn't point out that we are uncommon by definition, let alone birthright. Therefore we revel in the knowledge that we have elevated certain contestants to a point above their present station in life, while leaving the remaining entrants grovelling in the gutter where they belong.

In keeping with the accepted custom, we shall list the winners in reverse order. The authors of the first and second runners-up will each receive a copy of The Decline and Fall of the Upper Crust, an Upper Crust poster, and bleu cheese & croutons.

Second runner-up:   Chatelaine
by Peasant Kevin

All this roquing and ruling, my life's become a hassle
I want my food on the table when I get back to the castle
a little serf and turf ain't much to demand
I want my scotch on the roques and my pipe in her hand

Chatelaine, Chatelaine
I think you know exactly what I'm saying

With a sense of grace and that Je ne sais quoi
C'mon baby show me what you got
Sparkling eyes of blue and golden locks
She's a pure bred 18th century fox

When it comes to loving, my lady's the best
she's a fine piece of ass, please pardon my French
Gonna blow out the candles, make the room darker
gonna ding dang dong like Frere Jacques

Chatelaine, Chatelaine
I think you know exactly what I'm saying
Chatelaine, Chatelaine
That woman's kept like a fine champagne
Chatelaine, Chatelaine
I think you know exactly what I'm saying
Chatelaine, Chatelaine
We're gonna party like it's Bastille Day
Chatelaine, Chatelaine, Chatelaine
Chatelaine, Chatelaine, Chatelaine

First runner-up:   Snob Appeal
by the Count Tofour

Seen you promenade with your nose in the air
Pearls around your neck and a silk bow in your hair
O what inner charm does that fur coat conceal
I like a lady with snob appeal

Did I mispronounce your poodle's name
Please call it off my leg I don't mean to complain
Does it always join you for your meal
I like a lady with snob appeal

Have your maid call on my servant and we'll do lunch
Hangin' down the river palace with that royal bunch
We'll both be happy to be seen with someone so well-heeled
I like a lady with snob appeal

Rock 'em, roll 'em, make 'em squeal
I like the ladies with snob appeal

And finally, the Grand Prize Winner. The author will receive:
  • A copy of the winning lyrics on fine parchment, autographed by the Upper Crust! (And, we might add, suitable for framing!)
  • His very own pair of Upper Crust panties! (Unused and unsullied -- and, come to think of it, they'd probably be suitable for framing as well!)
  • A copy of The Decline & Fall of the Upper Crust!
  • An Upper Crust poster!

Grand Prize:   My Man Jeeves
by Sir Richard Skidmark

I was waltzing at the cotillion
When I bumped into a fop
He demanded satisfaction
and my knees began to knock

I have a loyal footman
   I believe his name is Jeeves
and he rarely leaves my mansion
   without a pistol up his sleeve

For although a famous rocker
and a patron of the arts
a legendary swordsman
with my lower parts
I am sadly unacquainted
with the manly arts


Ten paces at the crack of dawn
Trod out upon the palace lawn
for my opponent naught but scorn
before we'd reached the count of three
My man Jeeves shot him from behind a tree
and I dispatched him post haste with glee


Congratulations to the winners, and since I am somewhat more egalitarian than Lord Bendover please allow me to extend that to everyone who entered the contest. I thought all the entries were good, and in fact since there was not a huge number I forwarded all of them to the band. I will be putting up excerpts from some of the other entries soon, so please watch this space for more! Thanks to everyone who took part in the contest!

Please direct all enquiries to your Web serf, crust@juvalamu.com.

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